• He wanted to build a rope factory but first he had to pull a few strings.

• Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

• A doctor drank while putting on patients’ casts. He was soon plastered.

• There was an eye doctor who wanted to re-locate but couldn’t find a job because he didn’t have enough contacts.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

• What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

(Woman laughing photo courtesy of Fred Armitage Photos, used under Creative Commons License)

(source: Monday Funnies Yahoo Group)

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted
to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for
new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The
couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The
second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but,
yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the
young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped
it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was
overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket
anymore either."

============================

Ten Reasons God Created Woman

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because
he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see
what's on ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a
new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his
tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for
anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared:
     "I can do better than that."

============================

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her
business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible
along with her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her
Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was
doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe
all that stuff in there do you?"

The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside
the whale?"

The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

These were way too funny to pass up posting over my steaming mug of hazelnut coffee…see the whole list at this link here

1. The Swiss
  Spaghetti Harvest

In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks
  to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded
  spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti
  crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants
  pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers
  were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could
  grow their own spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically
  replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin
  of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

15. The Case of the Interfering
  Brassieres

In 1982 the Daily Mail reported that a local manufacturer had sold
  10,000 "rogue bras" that were causing a unique and unprecedented
  problem, not to the wearers but to the public at large. Apparently
  the support wire in these bras had been made out of a kind of copper
  originally designed for use in fire alarms. When this copper came
  into contact with nylon and body heat, it produced static electricity
  which, in turn, was interfering with local television and radio
  broadcasts. The chief engineer of British Telecom, upon reading
  the article, immediately ordered that all his female laboratory
  employees disclose what type of bra they were wearing.

22. Arm the Homeless

In 1999 the Phoenix New Times ran a story announcing the formation
  of a new charity to benefit the homeless. There was just one catch.
  Instead of providing the homeless with food and shelter, this charity
  would provide them with guns and ammunition. It was named ‘The Arm
  the Homeless Coalition.’ The story received coverage from 60 Minutes
  II, the Associated Press, and numerous local radio stations before
  everyone realized it was a joke. The Phoenix New Times’s joke was
  actually a reprise of a 1993 prank perpetrated by students at Ohio
  State University.

For more of the fun, click here

Well this is pretty cool. The Ivory Billed Woodpecker, once thought extinct is actually still alive!   I wonder if they’ll run a correction in the obituaries for the little wood eater!

… as long as they don’t find any live T-Rex’s thought long dead, I’m fine with extinct species making a comeback.