Maybe a tailor would have helped?

After week’s of medical treatment, my doctor became concerned about some redness around my waist, so he sent me to a specialist. When that doctor entered the examination room, he studied my chart, then looked at me sitting in the chair.

“Should I take my clothes off?” I asked

“No need to,” he said. “I already see the problem. your pants are too tight.”

You always guessed this was true about those meetings!

Percentage of the work week that a typical worker spends in meetings: 25.

Odds that a person at a meeting doesn’t know why she’s there? 1 in 3.

Puntastic!

Seen in the window of a camping shop: “Now is the winter of our discount tents”.

This dog’s bark is worse than her bite

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. It’s not much of a watchdog but it’s a vicious gossip (Craig Shoemaker)

(Photo courtesy of k-girl’s photostream Humor courtesy of Reader’s Digest, Dec 2007)

Some tidbits though to wet your appetite..but you have to see the photos to really “get” these:

You have to see the site to really appreciate the text, so go get an iced latte and have a look at the comparison of working at Google vs MeetUp at this link HERE.

Read and smile …. over at Jen is Famous by visiting her blog HERE.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

REMOTE CONTROL - female… Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

(Jokes courtesy of The Romantic.com )

So if your like everyone else visiting Beck’s Cafe your brain has not engaged with the rest of your body and, frankly, a good laugh would really get you going before you hit that latest weekly report your late on.

Presenting, via You Tube,….A mom with 3 kids…Sarah Maizes @ The Comedy Store

(make sure you have your headphones on, or invite your boss in to listen).

Okay, how about some riddles to get your brain back in gear?

The Riddles

1. What happened in 1961 and will not happen again until 6009?
2. Whats full of holes but still holds water?
3. You have a dime and a dollar, you buy a dog and a collar, the dog is a dollar more than the collar, how much is the collar?
4. Johnny’s mother had four children. The first was April, the second was May, and the third was June. What was the name of her fourth child?
5. There was an airplane crash, every single person died, but two people survived. How is this possible?
6. Why is George Washington’s official birthday celebration held on February 22 when he was actually born on February 11?
7. A man left home running. He ran a ways and then turned left, ran the same distance and turned left again, ran the same distance and turned left again. When he got home there were two masked men. Who were they?

The Answers (no peaking!)

1. The year reads the same upside down
2. a sponge
3. a nickel, the dog costs $1.05
4. Johnny!
5. because they were married
6. The U.S. lost 11 days when they changed from the Julian Calendar to the Gregorian Calendar during when Washington was alive. So Washington celebrated his birthday eleven days later to make it a year after his last birthday
7. The catcher and umpire

(Material courtesy of AzKidsNet)

In celebration of hair, hair salons and bad hair days, the barrista’s at Beck’s Cafe proudly present, Hair Humor. All jokes courtesy of Hair Salon Humor at Becquet.com

MANY people hold down two jobs, so I wasn’t surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part time at the racetrack. “That’s interesting,” I said. “What do you do?” As he finished styling my hair, he replied, “I groom horses.”

WHEN a new permanent turned out to be a disaster, I phoned my husband and issued a one-line warning: “Don’t say anything about my hair.” During dinner, we discussed the weather, his day at the office — anything but my hair. I began to feel uneasy. Finally, when we were washing the dishes, he said in a serious tone, “You’d better go now. My wife will be here any moment, and she wouldn’t like to find me with a strange woman.”

AS A reminder of my early morning appointment for a haircut, I left a note stating “hair today” next to the alarm clock. The resulting style was considerably shorter than usual, which didn’t please my husband at all. However, it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized just how unhappy he was with my new look. There, next to the alarm clock, my note now read: “hair today - gone tomorrow.”

MY MOTHER was telling her hairdresser about her bad luck with men, after having just broken off with her boyfriend of five years. “You think that’s bad,” the hairdresser responded, “I had a customer who just found out her boyfriend was married.” “You’re kidding!” my mother exclaimed. “How long did it take her to find out?” The hairdresser thought for a minute and began counting on her fingers. “About eight haircuts.”

• Funny, Funnier, Funniest
• Funny: Why did the clown eat the dollar bill? (It was her lunch money)
• Funnier: Why do clowns wear loud socks? (So their feet won’t all asleep)
• Funniest: Why did the clown go to the doctor? (He was feeling a little funny)

• A reason to breakup?
• “I had to stop seeing my girlfriend, the biologist,” a guy told his friend.
• “Why?” the friend replied
• “I couldn’t take it anymore” he said. “She kept trying to expose me to different cultures.”

• Be cafeful how you build ‘em!
• The company that makes LEGOs is shutting down its U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it’s their fault becuase they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.

(photo of couple laughing courtesy of Bartimaeus Photos, used under Creative Commons license)

Jay sennett writes about his global microbrand (i.e. himself) at his blog, jaysennett.com. So for this edition of Funny Bone at Beck’s Cafe, here’s some of his offbeat, insightful and funny cartoons. Used courtesy of Mr. Jay Sennett and under Creative Commons License. You can see more at his pad, click to Jay Sennett at this link HERE.

• He wanted to build a rope factory but first he had to pull a few strings.

• Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

• A doctor drank while putting on patients’ casts. He was soon plastered.

• There was an eye doctor who wanted to re-locate but couldn’t find a job because he didn’t have enough contacts.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

• What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

(Woman laughing photo courtesy of Fred Armitage Photos, used under Creative Commons License)

Oh, and they are funny! So that makes it all the more worthwhile

Update for 8/28/06:
I removed Andertoons in the new design of Beck’s Cafe. When I went from using the full screen to a more narrow approach I did two things. First, I ended up making the column width for the main articles more readable. Second, I limited the space I had to play with. Andertoons are so fun, but for now I’ve got them off the site just from a space standpoint. The wonderful Andertoons might make a reappearance at some point maybe down the end of the right hand column, we’ll see. Till then I strongly suggest you visit his site, they are very funny.

You can checkout Randy’s cartoons on fitness and diet at this link here.

And his cartoons on work life at this link here.

(photo used under Creative Commons license and from Sol Dust Love’s Photo).

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION
(ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The sharing of thoughts & feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

(From Dr. Dialtone’s Amazing website (and it really is amazing!))

• Mistakenly grab and then apply your pink lip gloss as beard cover (ahhh it sticks like glue!)
• Epilate both legs and then both arms thinking "hey this will take only 5 minutes"
• Try at that moment to figure out how to style your hair - just use the wig
• Decide that rosy red cheeks can be corrected two seconds after having PUSHED the blush into the pours of your face with the same force as you would pound a 10-penny nail into a 2×4
• Choose to feed two hungry cats who decide at that exact second, when your ready to start working, that they are your bestest of buddies and snuggle oh so close and SHED white fur all over your new black blouse

(source: Monday Funnies Yahoo Group)

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wantedto join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements fornew parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." Thecouples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able toabstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were youable to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. Thesecond week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but,yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were youable to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," theyoung man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and droppedit," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I wasovercome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in ourchurch," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarketanymore either."

============================

Ten Reasons God Created Woman

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden becausehe wouldn’t ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TVremote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don’t want to seewhat’s on ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he would never buy anew one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam wouldnever be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding histools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and foranything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared:     "I can do better than that."

============================

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for herbusiness. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Biblealong with her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out herBible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he wasdoing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don’t really believeall that stuff in there do you?"

The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time insidethe whale?"

The woman said, "Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get toheaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn’t in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

These were way too funny to pass up posting over my steaming mug of hazelnut coffee…see the whole list at this link here

1. The Swiss
  Spaghetti Harvest

In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks
  to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded
  spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti
  crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants
  pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers
  were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could
  grow their own spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically
  replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin
  of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

15. The Case of the Interfering
  Brassieres

In 1982 the Daily Mail reported that a local manufacturer had sold
  10,000 "rogue bras" that were causing a unique and unprecedented
  problem, not to the wearers but to the public at large. Apparently
  the support wire in these bras had been made out of a kind of copper
  originally designed for use in fire alarms. When this copper came
  into contact with nylon and body heat, it produced static electricity
  which, in turn, was interfering with local television and radio
  broadcasts. The chief engineer of British Telecom, upon reading
  the article, immediately ordered that all his female laboratory
  employees disclose what type of bra they were wearing.

22. Arm the Homeless

In 1999 the Phoenix New Times ran a story announcing the formation
  of a new charity to benefit the homeless. There was just one catch.
  Instead of providing the homeless with food and shelter, this charity
  would provide them with guns and ammunition. It was named ‘The Arm
  the Homeless Coalition.’ The story received coverage from 60 Minutes
  II, the Associated Press, and numerous local radio stations before
  everyone realized it was a joke. The Phoenix New Times’s joke was
  actually a reprise of a 1993 prank perpetrated by students at Ohio
  State University.

For more of the fun, click here