Funny Bone

Okay it’s the afternoon and, if you’re reading Beck’s Cafe you are officially goofing off.  Or, maybe you’re just giving your brain a break and, studies do show, that an internet brain breaks DO in fact improve your performance at work.  So, in some sense, Beck’s Cafe is in evil league with your employer to get you to output MORE.  Ghastly!

So, here, on a Monday, is some fun to give your brain a break!

• A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?” Only one hand shot up. “Ok, answer, Joan,” said the teacher. “‘Unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘Illegal’ is a sick eagle.”

• Sign behind an Amish carriage: “Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!”

• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

• A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies

• She was the apple of his eye and he liked to sit down be cider.

• If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.

Puntastically fun jokes and puns sourced from, Pun of the Day, The Good Clean Funnies List, Best Clean Humor on the Net

The Christmas Shopping rush is upon us!  Now’s the time to give your funny bone a tuneup and make sure you take a little humor with you into the fray.   In the immortal words of my hero, Mary Poppins,  “Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medecine go down, in the most delightful way”.

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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.

The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

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“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

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Why does Santa have 3 gardens? ….. So he can ho-ho-ho.

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You might be a scrooge if…..
* Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.

* Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.

* You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.

(Photo courtesy of Billaday’s Photos and used here under Creative Commons License)

How about some laughter with that morning coffee there?

Maybe a tailor would have helped?

After week’s of medical treatment, my doctor became concerned about some redness around my waist, so he sent me to a specialist. When that doctor entered the examination room, he studied my chart, then looked at me sitting in the chair.

“Should I take my clothes off?” I asked

“No need to,” he said. “I already see the problem. your pants are too tight.”

You always guessed this was true about those meetings!

Percentage of the work week that a typical worker spends in meetings: 25.

Odds that a person at a meeting doesn’t know why she’s there? 1 in 3.

Puntastic!

Seen in the window of a camping shop: “Now is the winter of our discount tents”.

This dog’s bark is worse than her bite

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. It’s not much of a watchdog but it’s a vicious gossip (Craig Shoemaker)

(Photo courtesy of k-girl’s photostream Humor courtesy of Reader’s Digest, Dec 2007)

As some of you know I’m looking for gainful employment. So, why not Google? They have scads of money and wicked smart people. Then I ran into this comparison of working at Google vs MeetUp. As one of my friends reminds me on occasion….”Becki, I really think that things really happen when people are with people”. I believe this comparison further strengthens her conviction! You can jump to the comparison by visiting Scott Heiferman’s (the CEO of MeetUp) blog at this link HERE.

Some tidbits though to wet your appetite..but you have to see the photos to really “get” these:

Working at Google	Working at MeetUp
At Google, you take the Google Bus with people as smart as you. Your fellow Googlers will probably be listening to Tech Talk Podcasts while coding.	At Meetup, you take the NYC subway to work. You’re part of the greatest melting pot on Earth. WARNING: Some of your fellow riders aren’t naturally excited about Google Apps.
At Google, you eat exquisite free Google Food with other Googlers at the Googleplex, prepared by Chef Googlers. It’s the best company food around.	At Meetup, you eat at one of NYC’s 18,696 restaurants. They’re not free, but some are cheap. It’s the best cafeteria in the world.
At Google, after you consume all the Google Food you can eat, you will enjoy Rear Cleansing, Front Cleansing, Dryer, and Oscillating options.	At Meetup, there are no options when flushing the toilet.

You have to see the site to really appreciate the text, so go get an iced latte and have a look at the comparison of working at Google vs MeetUp at this link HERE.

Over at Jen is Famous, comediene Jennifer Dziuran, who is in the Middle East as part of an Armed Forces Entertainment tour, is shopping for a camel …. it’s hilarious (and perfect for a Monday giggle).

Read and smile …. over at Jen is Famous by visiting her blog HERE.

It’s 4PM EST and if your visiting Beck’s Cafe it’s because it is nice and sunny outside and your brain has decided it’s done for the day. Well how about some funnies to get you in a good frame of mind for that commute home? So what gender are these things?

ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

REMOTE CONTROL – female… Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

(Jokes courtesy of The Romantic.com )

It’s Monday and…well it’s Monday, that’s about all you can say about it.

So if your like everyone else visiting Beck’s Cafe your brain has not engaged with the rest of your body and, frankly, a good laugh would really get you going before you hit that latest weekly report your late on.

Presenting, via You Tube,….A mom with 3 kids…Sarah Maizes @ The Comedy Store

(make sure you have your headphones on, or invite your boss in to listen).

It’s Monday afternoon, admit it, YOU want to be home with a big plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies in front of you. Instead your at work. And your at work reading Beck’s Cafe.

Okay, how about some riddles to get your brain back in gear?

The Riddles

1. What happened in 1961 and will not happen again until 6009?
2. Whats full of holes but still holds water?
3. You have a dime and a dollar, you buy a dog and a collar, the dog is a dollar more than the collar, how much is the collar?
4. Johnny’s mother had four children. The first was April, the second was May, and the third was June. What was the name of her fourth child?
5. There was an airplane crash, every single person died, but two people survived. How is this possible?
6. Why is George Washington’s official birthday celebration held on February 22 when he was actually born on February 11?
7. A man left home running. He ran a ways and then turned left, ran the same distance and turned left again, ran the same distance and turned left again. When he got home there were two masked men. Who were they?

The Answers (no peaking!)

1. The year reads the same upside down
2. a sponge
3. a nickel, the dog costs $1.05
4. Johnny!
5. because they were married
6. The U.S. lost 11 days when they changed from the Julian Calendar to the Gregorian Calendar during when Washington was alive. So Washington celebrated his birthday eleven days later to make it a year after his last birthday
7. The catcher and umpire

(Material courtesy of AzKidsNet)

Back in my early days of burning my flesh with Nair, I wrote about how my friend noted that it’s always about the hair. You can read that post at Beck’s Cafe by clicking to this link HERE.

In celebration of hair, hair salons and bad hair days, the barrista’s at Beck’s Cafe proudly present, Hair Humor. All jokes courtesy of Hair Salon Humor at Becquet.com

MANY people hold down two jobs, so I wasn’t surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part time at the racetrack. “That’s interesting,” I said. “What do you do?” As he finished styling my hair, he replied, “I groom horses.”

WHEN a new permanent turned out to be a disaster, I phoned my husband and issued a one-line warning: “Don’t say anything about my hair.” During dinner, we discussed the weather, his day at the office — anything but my hair. I began to feel uneasy. Finally, when we were washing the dishes, he said in a serious tone, “You’d better go now. My wife will be here any moment, and she wouldn’t like to find me with a strange woman.”

AS A reminder of my early morning appointment for a haircut, I left a note stating “hair today” next to the alarm clock. The resulting style was considerably shorter than usual, which didn’t please my husband at all. However, it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized just how unhappy he was with my new look. There, next to the alarm clock, my note now read: “hair today – gone tomorrow.”

MY MOTHER was telling her hairdresser about her bad luck with men, after having just broken off with her boyfriend of five years. “You think that’s bad,” the hairdresser responded, “I had a customer who just found out her boyfriend was married.” “You’re kidding!” my mother exclaimed. “How long did it take her to find out?” The hairdresser thought for a minute and began counting on her fingers. “About eight haircuts.”

Someone visited Beck’s Cafe looking for puns about coffee. I wish I’d had some, what a hoot that would be. So, in lieu of that I offer up these fine jokes on coffee…sure to make you grin whilst savouring that first cup of the day.

That Irish Cofee has quite a kick!
(courtesy of Vikar’s Rant Blog)

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband’s sex drive …

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.

“Not a chance,” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”

“No problem.” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how it worked out.”

A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went. “Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.”

“What happened?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely!!! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was terrible!”

“What was terrible?” said the doctor. “Was the sex not good?”

“Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.”

Of coffee prices and Men
(Courtesy of Coffee Links)

A man walks into a cafe and asks the waitress how much the coffee is. “It’s $4″ replied the waitress. “Well how much are the refills then?” asks the man. “They are free” says the waitress. “Hmm, well I’ll just take a refill then!”.

Why Coffee is better than Men

* You can make coffee as sweet as you desire.
* A cup of coffee always looks good.
* Coffee smells good.
* Coffee tastes good.
* Coffee doesn’t take up half your bed.
* You can have a good conversation with coffee.
* You can have coffee anywhere, anytime, and not get arrested.
* You can have as many coffees as you desire.
* Coffee doesn’t care what you look like.

(Photo of woman drinking coffee courtesy of lil-azorean’s photos, used under Creative Commons License)

Just a few jokes to get you giggling (or gaffawing) for hump day! Courtesy of the November 2006 Reader’s Digest, “Laughter, The Best Medicine.

• Funny, Funnier, Funniest
• Funny: Why did the clown eat the dollar bill? (It was her lunch money)
• Funnier: Why do clowns wear loud socks? (So their feet won’t all asleep)
• Funniest: Why did the clown go to the doctor? (He was feeling a little funny)

• A reason to breakup?
• “I had to stop seeing my girlfriend, the biologist,” a guy told his friend.
• “Why?” the friend replied
• “I couldn’t take it anymore” he said. “She kept trying to expose me to different cultures.”

• Be cafeful how you build ‘em!
• The company that makes LEGOs is shutting down its U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it’s their fault becuase they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.

(photo of couple laughing courtesy of Bartimaeus Photos, used under Creative Commons license)

You might be a huge fan of Halloween or not. However, you can’t resist seeing what people do with their pets for Halloween. In that vein I present to you….Halloween Humor with Pets! All photos courtesy of rbeforee’s photos, used under Creative Commons license. She has a shed load more up by the way, just click to her Flickr Site (at this link here) for more Halloween giggling.

I’ve only gotten to know Jay a teeny bit via his blog, but, he’s one interesting character, public speaker, excellent writer and a funny and insightful cartoonist. He’s part of my “coolest guys” picks which includes Thomas Jefferson, Felix the Cat and Michael West.

Jay sennett writes about his global microbrand (i.e. himself) at his blog, jaysennett.com. So for this edition of Funny Bone at Beck’s Cafe, here’s some of his offbeat, insightful and funny cartoons. Used courtesy of Mr. Jay Sennett and under Creative Commons License. You can see more at his pad, click to Jay Sennett at this link HERE.

I love to laugh and doing it with friends is one of the small treasures in life that makes life worth living. So, for your Monday morning quadruple espresso, how about some puns to start your day? All puns courtesy of Pun of the Day.

• He wanted to build a rope factory but first he had to pull a few strings.

• Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

• A doctor drank while putting on patients’ casts. He was soon plastered.

• There was an eye doctor who wanted to re-locate but couldn’t find a job because he didn’t have enough contacts.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

• What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

(Woman laughing photo courtesy of Fred Armitage Photos, used under Creative Commons License)

You’ll notice a fun addition to Beck’s Cafe (I hope!). On the right left hand side bar you should see a new cartoon every day from none other than Andertoons! He makes it easy to add cartoons to your blog. You can get your own by clicking to his site at this link here.

Oh, and they are funny! So that makes it all the more worthwhile

Update for 8/28/06:
I removed Andertoons in the new design of Beck’s Cafe. When I went from using the full screen to a more narrow approach I did two things. First, I ended up making the column width for the main articles more readable. Second, I limited the space I had to play with. Andertoons are so fun, but for now I’ve got them off the site just from a space standpoint. The wonderful Andertoons might make a reappearance at some point maybe down the end of the right hand column, we’ll see. Till then I strongly suggest you visit his site, they are very funny.

I bet your Monday just needs a laugh to get it started! I stumbled on Randy Glasbergen’s cartoon site and chuckled all the way through it! I think you will too

You can checkout Randy’s cartoons on fitness and diet at this link here.

And his cartoons on work life at this link here.

(photo used under Creative Commons license and from Sol Dust Love’s Photo).

My spouse sent me this and it has to be about the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Pioneer Press held it’s third annual Pioneer Press Marshmallow Peeps Diorama contest. Basically, it’s a contest to use Marshmallow Peeps (that’d be them marshmallow thingies that come out about this time of year over Easter…you know, the ones that whack your children with such a sugar high you have to scrape them off the ceiling) in the most creative diorama settings. The imaginations of these people is pretty impressive. Now we just need “Peeps Blogging” to finsih the set! If you want to see all the fun of the contestants in the Pioneer Press Marshmallow Peeps Diorama contest, just click this link HERE.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION
(ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The sharing of thoughts & feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

(From Dr. Dialtone’s Amazing website (and it really is amazing!))

When rushed for time before work do not…

• Mistakenly grab and then apply your pink lip gloss as beard cover (ahhh it sticks like glue!)
• Epilate both legs and then both arms thinking "hey this will take only 5 minutes"
• Try at that moment to figure out how to style your hair – just use the wig
• Decide that rosy red cheeks can be corrected two seconds after having PUSHED the blush into the pours of your face with the same force as you would pound a 10-penny nail into a 2×4
• Choose to feed two hungry cats who decide at that exact second, when your ready to start working, that they are your bestest of buddies and snuggle oh so close and SHED white fur all over your new black blouse

It’s Monday…I forgot my badge to get into work, I almost ran out of gas, I spilled a cup of coffee on my lap…time for a laugh break (enjoy it…I did)

(source: Monday Funnies Yahoo Group)

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wantedto join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements fornew parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." Thecouples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able toabstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were youable to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. Thesecond week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but,yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were youable to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," theyoung man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and droppedit," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I wasovercome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in ourchurch," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarketanymore either."

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Link: Mercola Health Newsletter

These were way too funny to pass up posting over my steaming mug of hazelnut coffee…see the whole list at this link here

1. The Swiss
  Spaghetti Harvest

In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks
  to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded
  spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti
  crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants
  pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers
  were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could
  grow their own spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically
  replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin
  of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

Read the rest of this entry »