I’m just sitting here at the Cafe. It’s about noon-ish. Morning coffee crowd has left and I’m just having a last cup before I clean up a bit. I’m sitting in my favorite black broom skirt, I love this skirt, as my friends Jenna, June and Sharon know.
I’m tearing up as I think about my Grandmother and reflecting on her life.
It’s sunset for her I’m realizing.
As some of you know my home is empty of some family members for whom the sun is rising, my daughters, and now my home is full of family members for whom the sun is setting, my Grandmother, recovering from her two heart attacks at age 91. It’s a bittersweet time of releasing. Releasing some for new life and others for death. It’s that simple
It didn’t really dawn on me where my Grandmother was in life until I saw her today in our kitchn. She was older and told me she wanted to go home. Of course, being the dutiful grand-daughter, I dropped everything and brought her home where she has lived for 70 years. The home her husband built for her, by hand, when he only had a single arm and they were in their early 20’s.
As I drove up to her home to drop her off I was finally able to understand better how her life must feel for her now. She has a few years, maybe, to live. There will only be so many days of tending her garden. So many days to say hi to her neighbors. Only so many days left to feel the soft grass under her feet or see the deer that compete with her for the earth’s produce.
She must be thinking of her little home, her brook, and her passed away husband I thought. She was smiling as I brought her home and she walked in. I was touched deeply realizing she was happy to be back in her home by her brook. She can’t stay there permanently. She is in some sense a visitor to her own place in our world. And, she still needs my help for life tasks for sure, but, for her, life is content in her home. I was jealous at some level frankly.
My Grandmother’s life in my home has been both blessing and frustration. We are blessed to help her and we are frustrated. Frustrated she will not take her meds on time, exercise or eat right. I find my heart torn between loving her and screaming she has to take care of herself or…sunset comes earlier than we all want.
Then I remember the word “dignity”…and I take a breath, smile my best Becki smile and hear her requests and supress my need to care for her. Her need to be her own person more important now. Even for a 91 year old woman, dignity is important.
I feel the warm summer breeze on my face and I take a breath realizing I’m not paying attention to a visitor who has stopped in to say “hi” this morning. I’ve been deep in my heart and writing. I smile, apologize, and say “Hi” and welcome her in. Good thing the coffee is extra good this morning
(Sunset Photo courtesy of MuffinMan photos, used under Creative Commons license)
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August 29, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Sharon
Becki:
What a wonderful perspective you’ve shared. And knowing you as I do, I can feel all of the emotion between the lines, as you struggle with the best course of action for your family.
I am really curious what your grandmother would say. Does she see the same conflicts in her own life that you do? Does she feel that same push/pull to be wherever she isn’t or is the picture much clearer for her. I mean, how could she not miss your French toast in the morning and the feeling of joy that comes from you simply walking into the room.
Being trans, I think it’s sometimes easy to think we are the only ones who face life altering challenges. Thank you being sensitive enough to recognize and gifted enough to share that we are not at all alone. Rather, there is a ying and a yang in all of our lives that makes them all so very challenging at one time or another In your grandmother’s case she is so very lucky to have you squarely on her side. But then again, isn’t that what friends are for?
All my best, Sharon
October 26, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Rebecca
Hi Sharon,
Thank you for leaving your comment. I think my grandmother sees her life as unchanged. She strives to live the life she once had despite her heart attack and to live it as if things have not changed. Of course they have. She is actually back in her home now, having determined, for herself, that it’s time to return. She says on the one hand she hopes she never lives to be 100 and yet is sure she will.
Looking at her life transition as a mirror of mine, I’d have to say that she sees a life that shouldn’t have to be limited and yet is and she is trying to learn to be flexible in the midst of that. By that I mean, flexible to knowing how to do the things she used to do easily but now must find workarounds to accomplish. That’s a big change for her and very frustrating at times.
Thanks for reading Sharon
Becki