So what do you think femininity is anyway? Is it the same as femaleness? This quote,from Feminist Reprise, might start your thinking:
Femininity is men’s idea of what women should look like, not a description of how women actually are—that’s why it’s so much freakin’ work. Femininity has nothing to do with femaleness, which is why drag queens and transsexuals are able to adopt it. And women who are unable and/or unwilling to do femininity convincingly have a life experience of ridicule and ostracization from men, avoidance and fear from other women for being lesbians (whether we are or not), and serious difficulty getting and keeping professional jobs regardless of our qualifications–all of which give the absolute lie to the assertion that conforming to femininity is a “choice.†(source: Feminist Reprise)
There’s alot in that quote to digest and the article as a whole. The piece I’d like us to consider though is that part about conformance. Conforming to standard thoughts and roles on being feminine (or masculine for that matter) and if they matter in society. My thought is that they probably do, at least as a starting basis.
As kids grow they are finding themselves and trying to figure out the world for themselves. And they naturally choose what society projects to them is the norm or the standard for their gender and for what they are trying to do. I think it’s not just society at large (with the incredible influence from advertising) but also smaller peer groups too. The geeks look pretty similar, as do the jocks, the goths and the preppies. Why is that? Conformity, and conforming to how the group will accept you. Acceptance for who we are is a powerful thing in our lives as is acceptance by a peer group for who they think us to be.
I would submit that as trans-women and trans-men that same thing is happening to each of us - how the hell DO we look, act, or smile? The way to at least start is to look at the culture and those around us and learn, like anyone else does. And that generally means conforming to cultural norms. It seems to me that once we do that, as difficult and conformist as that is, then we can figure out own style or way of being if you will.
Back to conforming to femininity though. Is conforming to society standards for femininity what needs to be done or is it a matter of what you want to do? And what the hell is that list of standard femininity anyway?
Here’s another woman’s opinion. Her name is Jennifer Dziura and she’s got some interesting things to say on this topic:
There is also, however, privilege involved in conforming to norms of masculinity (and, as has often been observed, being a tomboy is usually more socially acceptable than being a sissy). And masculinity has, of course, changed greatly over the years (Louis XIV wore tights and, if he’d had a car, wouldn’t have fixed it himself all greasy-James-Dean-style).
And if you reject norms of femininity and masculinity but enjoy the companionship of other humans, you’ll probably find yourself in some kind of academic queer/feminist circle with privilege awarded to those who conform to much, much stricter standards of conformity (here one could digress about (some) lesbians-hating-on-bisexuals, or men being physically barred from campus women’s resource centers, or the disturbing trend of liberal academic institutions to perniciously censor conservative speakers or silence any speech that might be offensive to anyone, or feminist charges of “betrayal” to women who marry, have children, or, god forbid, stay home to raise them; incidentally, I was once bitched out by a co-chair of my university’s LGBT organization for using “LGBT” and “queer” as synonyms, because “LGBT” didn’t include asexual, intersexed, and possibly other groups of queer people).
There is, to continue on this track, a certain amount of privilege in conforming to anything, which is why people conform. Basically by definition. (source: On the Topic of Femininity)
Here’s a thought, maybe the answer to the riddle of what is femininity is something more like this:
It’s not about if you conform or don’t conform but it is about how are you true to yourself? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin enough to not hide in the dark but to be a light in the world? How are you adding value to other’s lives? How are you helping to turn over the dark, ugly places in the world to make them shiny, And how are you blessing the world around you? How are you making it a more beautiful place for you and others to live in? Maybe it’s not so much about what’s on the outside as it is about what’s on the inside of your heart. How’s that “conforming” to being someone others would like to be with, would be drawn to, despite your pink eye shadow, Martha Stewart looks or even “Give ‘em Hell” tattoo.
(photo courtesy of Semshine’s Photos, used under Creative Commons license)
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