Purging

What do you think of when you read the word “purge”? There’s probably a few things that come to mind like:

• Purging the attic of all the stuff you’ve accumulated the past say, 15 years
• Purging yourself of food if you happen to suffer from a purging eating disorder
• If your a plastics processor, you might be thinking of a purging compound to help in the removal of stubborn residues between color or resin changes.

But if your transgendered, purging is about that little ugly secret that those of us who are transgendered don’t talk about much. It’s that one thing that is the tease of a “cure” to having GID (gender identity disorder) that is based on self-reliance and a white knuckles attempt at changing who you are at your most basic level.

This whole topic has had me thinking since I myself purged back in October of 2005. When I wrote the article about what was going on with me at this link here, I thought my move to embrace my transgendered nature, of being a different gender from that which I was born with, made me less of the kind of person I wanted to be. I honestly thought, “wtf”, my trying to figure out the nuances of moving more forward were taking me backward away from who I wanted to be. Who did I want to be? Well, a person more passionate about life, more alive and fun to be with, with a bigger giving heart, with more desire to see others prosper, to help the downtrodden, to be more like Christ, and many other things I knew (and know) are locked inside me someplace. In short, I just wanted to be more of who I knew I was supposed to be.

What I saw in the mirror, though , was someone who’d become rather ugly and sad. Someone who was more closed not more open, more sinking to her addictions, not more prone to love. And so for me, the seeming answer was, enough of this non-sense, this is surely a hobby that has no benefit. Surely it’s not making me or my spouse any happier, so this has to go.

So, I purged in an attempt to be “well” and to “cure” my being trans, and to make others feel better. But what I found was actually just the opposite. Having quite literally “tossed” who I was, I slowly slid into numbness, listlessness, and strange sense that the world was only 2-dimensional. I could see it, I could touch it, but I was unable to connect with it or the people that inhabited it. In short I had slipped into a clinical depression that I didn’t even recognize until I was told by my spouse and a mental health professional that I was clinically depressed and needed to do something about it - and quickly (perhaps my not having moved from a chair for 3 days should have alerted me, but, hey I was toughing this one out). That woke me up to realizing, that purging wasn’t the answer for me, and I would suggest if your reading this, and are transgendered, it’s probably not the answer for you either.

So I hauled myself, both in reality and metaphorically, back together and started to reflect on what was going on when I purged; and perhaps what might be going on with you should you be considering a similar “cure”. Your mileage will vary of course, and only you can determine for yourself your path. None-the-less, here’ some food for thought on your journey. One you surely didn’t ask for but that you own none-the-less.

What I discovered, in my reflection was that I hadn’t really been embracing anything about my basic make-up that was now starring me in the face. Instead, I’d been hiding and really not accepting the genetics of the situation that I’m transgendered-woman and there’s
probably not a whole lot I could do about it. A clear path has been laid out that many follow either clinically or informally and you can
read about it at Dr. Anne Vitale’s web site here. Despite this data, I had been going through some physical movements but not come to grips with the facts of why I was actually doing them. Not having come to grips, it had become easier for crutches (read: addictions) and excuses to fill the gaps yet empty my soul of my very being.

I also discovered, in coming back from my purge, that it takes work to be sane, but it’s easy to be sick, or maybe un-well is the better word. I mean that in both the physical and the mental vein. I think a quote from the press release about Felicity Huffman’s performance in “Transamerica” might sum it up best. In that press release they referred to the main character’s “unwillingness to be a victim, her journey of discovering her true self and her triumph over her life’s challenges”. That’s a very loaded quote, you have to read it a few times to let it sink in. And then you have to reflect on it given the realities of your life situation today.
You might be interested to know there’s some data out there on purging as well:

• A informal web based survey at Yvonne’s Place (about 1200 people responded, 1999, almost all male-to-female from what I can tell) showed that fully 1/3 of all the respondents had purged within two years of the survey.
• The purging or even “dropping out” effect seems to cut across the transgendered spectrum, from transexuals to crossdressers. There is a hunger to just be normal. It goes something like this If I just purge and forget this thing, I’ll be fine, I’ll be normal.
  Or, If I just de-transition, life can go back to normal, it’ll be fine.
• It is almost always somehow tied to shame or guilt about being who we are. That is, we are transgendered persons and we are somehow wrong at some basic level. You aren’t wrong. Your just different, I’m just different. That’s not so bad really once you get past my warts (even a nice hunk of Dermablend can’t cover some of mine!).

It took me a while to come back. I then had to learn to step out and move forward to be “who I am” or as I prefer, “to just be myself”.
I had to relearn that I wasn’t so bad really and the world, while in some case harsh to the transgendered, isn’t really so mean in it’s entirety. So purging I found wasn’t the answer at all. The real answer was self-acceptance. I pray that may be true for you too and
that you may continue to accept yourself for as long as you live (whether your transgendered or gay or purple or even Republican).