I’ve just come out of a two day depression. A dip. I hate these. Usually I just hide for two or three days. Since hiding under the covers in bed isn’t an option, I just hide on the Internet instead. In my bizarre sense of economy, I figure it beats being an alcoholic or a drug addict as my father was - and who subsequently died as a result of complications from those addictions.
I’m so messed up right now I can barely think straight, let alone string together words cogently enough to make sense. I have no idea
why these “dips” happen. The best I can make of them, they happen when I don’t take care of myself, burying my being transgendered deep inside me to the degree that it drives me to a depression that I can’t really deal with. I know there are medications for this soft of thing. And my therapist has recommended them on more than one occasion. So why not avail myself of them and get back to some normalcy? Mainly, I think, because I don’t like the side effects, the increased tendency for suicide, the unknowns of taking them for so long. So I chose to ride out these periods and then I come to my senses after two days of not sleeping, of hiding, and realize I’m really in a bad sorts, pull myself together and drag myself up and out and see that the sun really is shining, the air really is filled with oxygen and that maybe things aren’t so bad after all.
Expressing my transgendered nature really does help me in these situations. Generally, it’s about crossdressing. In doing that, I am able to bring some level of congruity between my body and my mind and that makes all the difference, calming me, making my little world line up and then letting me sort of just go on with life. That going on with life is what most if not all folk who are transgendered really want. They just want some measure of peace and then to live and work and love. It’s pretty simple stuff really. I don’t know a single transgendered man or woman who would ask to have Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID). The general complications that it causes are just mind boggling. MOST of those complications are the result of societal pressure that being transgendered is somehow so weird that it demands stomping out or to be relegated to some sensational talk show. Many of those complications are caused by the transgendered persons own fears as well.
So it’s nice to be out and about. I don’t feel particularly comfortable in my own skin right now, but I’m not in some darkcavernous place at least.
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